A therapist I use to go to a long time ago once told me that for every expansion in life comes an equal contraction.
Meaning there’s a rise and fall to everything, an opening and closing, the good with the not so good.
It’s quite easy to move through what’s good. That’s easy, it’s fun, it’s enlivening – we want more of that! Alas, this human thing would be far too easy and maybe even a little boring if things were good and fun all the time.
It often takes the “bad” or “not so good” to appreciate all the good in our lives, or when there’s the expansion again.
So what does this contraction feel like and how do we develop trust that things will somehow, someway work themselves out?
Because they always have.
I mention this often, because we need the reminder often. If you look back through the history of your life, you’ll see how this has always been true. Things may not have worked out the way you wanted them to, but they somehow always worked out the way they were suppose to. That’s how we develop trust that things will once again work out the way they’re suppose to.
While we need to follow the breadcrumb trail to the inspired action, we don’t need to force, cling or grasp onto outcomes. It’s hard work to not control things, especially if you happen to be someone who needs to control all the things (yes, I see you!).
This shows up in my own life often and here’s what I’ve noticed in myself, and maybe this is true for you too. Each and every time I fall into a deep pit (the contraction) where things feel dark, murky, I feel hopeless, anxious, depressed, confused, etc. it has always always always happened right before a big expansion of some kind. Almost like I pay emotional dues before life is about to surprise me with an 11th hour miracle.
For me, I think this has been the single most important life lesson in developing my own inner trust that things will work out somehow and everything is going to be ok. It makes traversing that mountain range of life feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s about the trust. Trust doesn’t involve control though, that’s where we get hung up. We live in a world that is all about plans and control and forcing outcomes. To lean back into “things always work out the way they’re suppose to” can be scary. Like we’re handing the fate of our life over.
But again, hasn’t it always worked out this way? Have you had the experience where you’ve exhausted yourself trying to mental mind yourself to control outcomes, for something to magically appear out of left field as a solution? Like it was coming all along, no exhausting yourself required.
Again, control vs. trust. The right actions always show themselves when the timing is right, and that requires a whole lot of trust!
So how do we support ourselves through the contraction? Through the murk of life, as I like to call it. I have some ideas…
- Have fun. Yes, you read that right. One of the best things you can do when you’re in the murk of life is disengage from what’s out of your hands and dive into something that allows you to relax and take your mind off things. This could be heading out for some fun with friends, reading a book, going for a walk in nature, doing a puzzle, going to a cooking class, literally anything you consider fun. Go do that. Even better if it involves doing something with your hands, as this is incredibly cathartic to your nervous system because energy is moving through and out of your hands all of the time. Remember, pleasure solves problems. As a sidebar, if you’re an entrepreneur like me, I’ve actually found more connections, clients and just all around great people when I’ve been somewhere having fun rather in a place where connections are often forced (hello most networking events!). Authentic fun inevitably makes you magnetic.
- Retreat into solitude. We humans often have a very permeable membrane around us that can invite in all kinds of energies from those around us. I’ve had the experience countless times where I’ve been in a very peaceful state of trust that things were going to work out the way they’re suppose to, only to find myself in the company of someone else’s anxiety about my situation. Guess what happened? Yep, I turned into a giant pool of stress and anxiety. Not because that’s the way I actually felt, but because I was feeling their energy and it affected me in that way. Playing off the having fun idea above – take yourself on a self-date. Go do something fun by yourself. Leave your technology at home so you can just decompress and not be distracted. That self-date could look like a fun night at home, watching a movie, anything you want to do for yourself by yourself. It doesn’t need to be lavish or expensive, you could literally hang out in your pajamas and eat frozen pizza and have a wildly amazing time by yourself. If that’s what would soothe your soul and what you actually want to do, I’m right behind you in support of it! Sidebar – that whole permeable membrane thing happens a ton with social media, emails, TV, etc. so during these times it might be a really great idea to do a tech detox and stay off your devices as much as possible. While technology is great, it’s also a giant pool of other people’s opinions, emotions, judgements and is a breeding ground for comparison.
- Take an epsom salt bath. Salt baths have a lot of benefits, and for these reasons it’s a great self-care practice to do when you’re feeling all the feels of life. Epsom salt relaxes your body, so it’s great for stress, but salt in general is very purifying of energy. A lot of spiritual and folk medicine practices involve salt as it absorbs all the negative gunk. If you’re not a bath person or don’t have a bathtub, try filling up a sink or bowl and soak your feet in a salt bath.
As I was talking with Rhonda Coleman this week for her podcast, there’s an empowering feeling that comes with knowing you CAN do things in the moment to support yourself through these tough times, and curling up in a ball of anxiety while you wait for your therapy appointment is not your only option.
Send you lots of love this week!!
