The short of it?
What if we somehow cause our own suffering…?
Unknowingly, of course.
When we deny who we truly are, when we label it as “bad” or something to be ashamed of, we bring in people and circumstances that reinforce our own beliefs.
Feel like you’re not good enough? You bet you’ll bring in people who will mirror that to you. Like a failure? That you’re toxic, selfish, ugly? That your needs aren’t important? Yep, you’ll bring mirrors in for all those things too.
In fact, if you can take a pause for a moment and turn around to look at the trail of your life…
During every phase, every transition, every pivotal point in your life – did you not have people in your life that mirrored what you were feeling? Who you were? Your friends, relationships with family, work, coworkers – didn’t you all have the same general vibe together? Almost like magnets?
Then what happens? Something changes for someone (maybe you) and that person goes off in a different direction. While this is neither “bad or good,” what it does do is cause a disconnect. You don’t have common ground anymore to bond over. Then what? You probably drift apart, and in the drifting apart you naturally draw in more people and circumstances that mirror where you are now. And so the cycle continues throughout your entire life.
Can you see it?
I had a very beautiful and eye-opening conversation with a client this week around a piece of his identity. I had made a testimonial post on LinkedIn about something beautiful he shared, but I wanted to go into the overview of what actually happened, where I saw this playing out in my own life and how I’m seeing others resonating so deeply with this too.
Isn’t it funny how we all seem to go through the same things together as a collective? Maybe there’s something to that =)
During this particular chat, he was very openly explaining a very deep layer of who he was – a layer he doesn’t show anyone, a layer he felt shame around. Of course, when we feel shame around something, we do everything we can to hide it, conceal it, go the opposite way. This inevitably leads to a whole slew of ways we invite suffering into our lives when we deny ourselves the authenticity of being who we truly are.
I’m not one to beat around the bush, so I point blankly said “this makes complete sense. You haven’t accepted this part of yourself, so you hide it, and you consistently draw people into your life that reflect back how shameful this part of your being is so it reinforces your own belief about it.”
Do you see it?
The issue isn’t the circumstances or even the people that are acting as the mirrors. The issue is the belief. The issue is abandoning your true self to please others, or to be accepted at all costs.
From this space we get ourselves into layers and layers of complications and constrictions. Everything from jobs to responsibilities to relationships and even spouses. Instead of drawing the people and circumstances into our lives based on who we actually are, we put on a mask and a costume to try and play another part. Because the world loves illusion, this becomes really mainstream and easy. We get really good at playing these parts, yet we sometimes go through our entire lives feeling incredibly unfulfilled because we’re trying to be something we aren’t.
We can have all the shiny, pretty things to show for all of our hard work, all the worldly success, all the famous friends… and feel incredibly empty inside.
I was at the grocery store a couple weeks ago stocking up on celery (I juice it every day) and this guy comes up behind me to do the same thing. We, of course, strike up a conversation around celery juice (which honestly, in the city of Chicago is very rare – at least for me) and before long we’re talking about the state of things in Chicago, his longing to move to Mexico, his recent retreats, etc. One thing he said mirrored what I’ve been hearing so much. He said “I’m very successful at my job, most people would look at me and think I have it all. The truth though is that I’m dying inside. I feel so empty.”
So, my friend, what does “having it all” look for you in a real world, big life kind of way? Are you secretly hiding a deep layer of your being that would bring you SO much fulfillment if you owned that part of yourself?
That’s the layer I’d love to invite you to start or continue peeling back this week. What would happen if you started being who you actually are, and stop pretending to be someone you’re not? Chances are the conditioning around “being someone you’re not” came from your childhood, upbringing, watching the adults around you, etc. You’ve absorbed their beliefs, identities, mannerisms, templates of life and somehow made them your own. As children, we’re little sponges and inevitably become products of our environment… until we become aware of this and then decide to choose to become who we actually are, which might be someone different completely.
The personal story on how this played out for me…
(Note to reader: I share personal stories each week because I recognize that while I’m usually pretty good at speaking to how a theme is playing out for those around me, I’m not always so great at being vulnerable at sharing how a theme has played out for me personally. I’ve realized this is actually a disservice to you, because it doesn’t help you identify with me as a real human going through real human things just like you. That being said, if you’d prefer just to leave it at learning about the collective theme and skipping the personal story – this is your letter, you do things the way that feel best!)
After chatting with my client, our conversation didn’t leave me the way they usually do. That’s how I know there’s something there for me to dig into. This was a mirror for me too. As I looked at the places I constantly seemed to struggle in, one area stuck out like a sore thumb.
Work.
I’ve had at least one job at a time since I was 15. Everything from retail, to office jobs, to serving at a pizza joint, to animal shelters, to plant medicine. I’ve dabbled a little here and there, but nothing ever felt like the thing I was suppose to do long-term.
I suspect that I did what most people do when they’re unsure, especially as young adults. They do what they think they’re suppose to do. What everyone else is doing. They try it on, try it out, see how it fits. What I realized this week is that I’ve always tried to “normal job” myself. In doing things the way everyone else does them, I’ve drastically diminished my natural gifts and found myself in lots of lack. But, that’s what we’re suppose to do right? Chase the security, the money, the benefits?
But what about the fulfillment and the happiness? What’s all that for if you’re not actually enjoying the life you’re creating?
I see a lot of people doing what they think they’re suppose to do and being incredibly unhappy with the life they chose. Instead of changing it, they stick with it because they’re so far in – pivoting and starting over again seems too overwhelming, so they just choose to silently suffer.
Working isn’t bad, making money isn’t bad. And… loving the work you do in the world and the money you make to fuel your freedom is a beautiful thing and it’s possible.
But you have to tap into your own inner wisdom to decide what that looks like for you. I think that’s a big flaw in our education system. We tell 16-18 year olds that they need to decide what they want to do with their lives at such a young age. Go to college, pick a major, go to trade school, get into a bunch of debt for a career you don’t even know you actually are going to want for the rest of your life. The pressure!
How many of us did what I just described? Sure, there are those that are blindly happy in a career they picked out as a youngster and while that is wildly amazing, I’m sad to say I think it’s the minority of people. How many pivoted in their 20’s and 30’s (or later) into a different career or line of work completely? How many of us have very expensive, fancy pieces of paper we don’t actually need or use?
What these circumstances actually do is create a cage. Because you did all this work, spent all this time and money, you feel like you HAVE to stick with it. In one word? Obligation. We often stay stuck out of the sense of obligation.
When I went to college I chose to get a business administration degree. Why? Because at 18 years old I had no idea what the hell I wanted to do with my life, but I knew I wanted to own my own business, so I figured this was the “catch-all” way to go. I don’t regret it, but I do look back at the pressure I felt to choose something for the long haul. Going back to school as an adult isn’t always in the cards for most people, so if you get the chance to do it once, it might be your only shot. Ugh, yuck. Even at almost 40 years old, there are some days I still wonder what I want to be when I grow up. How is it reasonable to expect an 18 year old version to know?
Circling back to my conversation with my client, I had been mulling over my work conundrum for quite some time. I went back into the pattern of trying to “normal job” myself and nothing seemed to be panning out. For me, it’s always an immediate signal to me that I’m doing it wrong when I start chasing something. How often do we get sucked into this? Chasing security, chasing jobs, chasing money, etc. The thing seems to run away and we just keep chasing.
So when I sat back and thought about what made me excited to do, what my natural gifts were, what people came to me most often for, I circled back to something I’ve always known, but never really shared. I never shared it super publicly because it seemed very “woo,” very occult, very out there, not normal, definitely not super widely accepted and very much not seen as a “real” job by most.
But, as this week’s letter indicates, it’s actually my real identity and I’ve been causing a lot of my own suffering because I’ve spent years downplaying it or just outright keeping it hidden. Maybe because I didn’t understand it completely, or because I didn’t know how people would respond, or maybe because I had a bad case of impostor syndrome, but regardless…
The truth is that I’m a natural healer. I use the term “healer” loosely, because it can be deceiving. “Healer” doesn’t mean one who heals necessarily. In my world, healer means someone who can facilitate self-healing in themselves or another. They’re a guide that can often sense things that others may not. They may have an inner knowing of things that others may not. They may be able to sense, gauge and influence energy in a way that others may not. They might be able to see into the heart of the matter in a way others may not. They can point to different practices, practitioners, resources, remedies, etc. that others may not. They’re great to have included in your self-care team as you go forth and do this human life.
There have been countless times I’ve been to practitioners for some kind of healing session and almost always they speak to me as if it’s assumed I already know I’m a healer. Each time, I kind of look at them a bit bewildered. But they know. Of course they do. If I think back to my childhood, I loved gemstones, rocks, nature, animals. I’d secretly try to learn astrology through books and dabble with oracle cards. The last 10 years have found me diving into learning about Shamanism, occult studies like divination, plant medicine, kitchen medicine, Italian folk practices, home remedies, universal laws and so much more – just for fun. I find it fascinating. I’ll be a lifelong student in all of it. In fact, anyone who has been to my apartment can probably tell you I’m a healer. The esoteric books, the wall of herbs, the herb garden, the cleansing tools, the Shamanic drum, all the home remedies, the items that are visibly intentionally placed. It’s pretty obvious. Yet, I never really identified myself as such.
For me, healing is helping people become self-reliant by helping them learn and experience different practices, tools and resources. There’s an empowerment that comes when you don’t feel like you have to run to the doctor every time you sneeze, or curl up in a ball in the corner in a fit of anxiety when something triggers you, or have to stay in a state of confusion when you have no idea which decision to make. Healers help you connect to yourself, see things in a new light and from there, you make choices to support your healing process with new clarity.
So there was my big ah-ha unveiling moment. The reason job titles like health coach, life coach, wellbeing coach, etc never felt right was because how I help people is so much more broad spectrum. It took root long, long ago and somehow I always circle back to it. Like a gentle reminder every time I lose my way.
I guess that’s why I decided to open up private coaching sessions. Maybe this was what I was suppose to focus in on all along and I just kept talking myself out of it because I felt like I didn’t know enough. As the old saying goes though, when the teacher is ready the student appears, and I’ve had plenty of students mirror back to me that I actually do know enough, and that has made all the difference.
As we come to the end of this long, winding road of storytelling – I want to circle back to the question at hand. Is there a piece of your identity that you haven’t quite owned yet for whatever reason that actually has the ability to change everything for you in a very positive way? If you’re open (and maybe even a little excited) to share it with me, I’d love for you to drop me a message to share it with me!
Wishing you a beautiful rest of your week and weekend ahead!
