This morning I got to thinking about new beginnings.

I connected with a friend a few days ago who was leaving for a month to Europe. For joy, for work, for all the things. My whole body went ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ #putitonthefuckyesbucketlist

That’s the feeling I want in my entire life. The holy fuck yes. Both hands, both feet, whole body – all in.

And then…. ๐Ÿงจ๐Ÿงจ๐Ÿงจ๐Ÿงจ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

I came toe to toe with an ugly truth about my present reality.

I’m not living my life in those feelings.

Most of my life has been spent in some form of chaos, should’s, have-to’s, ought-to’s, people pleasing, survival mode. It was mostly external factors beyond my control severely impacting and limiting my freedom or choice selection.

When Mugsy died in April, he was the last of my responsibilities to an old life. Almost 6 months ago. And then you know what I did? I subconsciously created my own constrictions so I still had reasons why I couldn’t, shouldn’t, can’t do this or that.

Patterns are hard to break. From a third party perspective I was making choices in my current life that were constricting me, because it somehow felt safe.

Funny thing I’ve learned about growing up in chaos, it becomes so comfortable you tend to seek it out without realizing it. I’m actively trying to unlearn that. It’s a work in progress and I’m actually incredibly proud of how far I’ve come with it.

I have to wonder how many people do like me and stay in a situation, relationship, circumstance, way of being because it’s somehow comfortable. Even when we know it isn’t healthy, it isn’t “good for us,” it isn’t serving us or helping fuel our zest for life and all it has to give. We choose it anyway.

I taught a workshop a few years ago to a group of divorcees. I told them how proud I was of them for choosing divorce, because most people stay in destructive relationships because it’s too complicated to leave. Choosing an ending of any kind in any situation takes bravery and belief that there’s so much better and more aligned. Endings to relationships, jobs, habits… old familiar patterns.

Throwing it back to a 2018 roadtrip with my aunties. Anyone recognize the house in back of me? ๐Ÿค“

Dora’s back ๐Ÿฅฐ

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